In the interests of finally moving on from my experience last holidays, I have just written the following passage of free-verse.
I sat in the pub, talking to mates, detaching myself every-so-often to return to the dread of my gut for the night that would await. 9pm, 10pm, 10:15, 10:20, 10:30pm, time to go. Wish farewell with sorrow. Get on my bike, ride to the trailhead. Rain. Up the wide trail, right, left, down the narrow, right on creek-bed, left up hillside. Get into my hammock. Difficult, cumbersome. Fear: will someone find me? What was that noise? Is that someone nearby? Burning fear coming from my gut. Sleep is poor. Lonely: I am displaced, estranged, alone with my book, my thoughts, my fear. Anxiety: I can’t wait for the night to end.
Wake up: new day. Glad to be rid of the night. Train. I love to train: purpose, direction, burn, passion, fun, love, life. Finish training: what now? Boredom, boredom, anxiety rises slowly but surely from the depths of my stomach. I go to the canoe club, open up the shed, creep behind the canoe rack, wriggle onto the filthy mattress. Fear is still present: what if someone comes early in the morning? What if someone comes now. Alone: people, lives of others, become objects, become threats. Ability to love wanes. I sleep alone, fearful.
I tell my dad when I visit him in Adelaide. He barates me, tells me I'm crazy, acts differently around me. Estranged now from my own blood. Detatched. Alone.
I have enough one night. My instinct takes over. I cry. I have given up my quest. Six months it should have been: less than three weeks did I last. But I’m going home. Home, to where there is security, people who love me and people who I love. With others, I’m safe. I’m Safe with others.
Everything is in perspective. My everyday existence is perfect. I have realized the key to happiness: having a positive perception of other people and sentient beings. Opening yourself to them, not categorizing and stereotyping. Ultimate compassion is ultimate happiness.
Now begins the road to adjust my thought patterns, so that I may be reintegrated into mainstream society and re-learn to love others, and to not fear anything, for my life is perfect.