Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Blended Smooth

Screenplay for an arthouse (melodrama) infomercial for the Magic Bullet

Characters:
• Elena – Slim, handsome, Hispanic (Penelope Crúz type)
• David – Skinny, dark-eyed, hollow-faced (Johnny Depp type)
• Roberto – muscular, Hispanic (Jávier Bardem type)
• Julia – Blonde, fairskinned, slim (Naomi Watts type)
Opening Scene
Music: Requiem by Mozart
(Bird’s eye view shot of the Magic Bullet [MB] with no lid on, the blade spinning in slow-mo. It is placed in the centre of a rectangular mat divided into four equal-sized squares of different colours, which is on top of a bench.)
Narrator: How beautiful and poetic it is, when four lives are mixed, combined, blended, into a formless entity that breathes as one, exhaling fervent emotion.
(Still in the bird’s eye view shot in slow-mo, David comes on screen, head in hands, then violently knocking the MB to the floor with his open palm. Camera shows MB flying through the air, and breaking apart when it hits the ground. Then, switch to a shot facing the front of Roberto, who is on his knees, crying. Then David, slowly but with malice, picks up a MB blade. A close-up shows his hand bleeding, as a result of holding it tightly. Noticing this, Roberto also picks up a blade, and stands facing David. The face off continues for a few seconds, and the final shot of the scene shows, side-on, the two facing each other.)

Scene #2
(Elena and David are in bed, making love.)
Elena (pauses for a moment, grabbing David’s face): David, I must be sure that you truly love me before I can do this.
David: Of course I do darling, you are as much a part of me as any appendage on my body.
Elena (giggles, and looks down her body): Well, I am right now!
David (laughs): my wife, the comedienne!
Elena: No more jokes, say it to me now.
David (hesitates, then reluctantly): I love you. And I will be able to love you more when they are gone…
Elena (cutting David off): Ok, ok, that will suffice. How long until they get here?
David (checks his clock): Plenty of time…
(Camera pans up.)
Scene #3
(Roberto is standing in front of a mirror, cigarette in his mouth, fixing his tie [camera is looking directly into the mirror]. Julia appears from behind him, and embraces Roberto around the neck/shoulders.)
Julia (breathes in deeply): Hmmmm. I love inhaling your smoke, it makes me feel like we share the same body.
Roberto (turns around and, with a cheeky grin, looks up and down Julia’s body): We do, at times.
Julia (pushing herself back from Roberto slightly): Don’t be so vulgar! I hope you don’t talk like that tonight, or you’ll excite Elena.
Roberto (strokes Julia’s hair, and says, smoothly): Julia, Julia…She is married to David now, and I to you. Things have changed.
Julia: I’ve seen the way she looks at you…
Roberto: And David?
Julia (slightly indignant): What about him?
Roberto: I still see a spark when you two are together…
Julia: But what are you saying?!
Roberto: Nothing, nothing, I just…
Julia: Look, they’ve invited us in good will; let’s just go there, be polite, eat dinner, and leave, ok?
(Camera shows a close-up of the end of Roberto’s cigarette, which becomes brighter and brighter. Roberto then slides out of Julia’s embrace, and stalks into the bathroom. The camera then shows Julia looking at the floor, followed by a shot of Roberto’s shoes, the ends of which are facing away from each other.)
Scene #4
(The camera faces through some blinds, down onto the street, where a car pulls up. The camera then shows the kitchen, with two MB’s side by side, veggies inside. Elena puts a white powder in one, and then blends both).
David (calling from the other room, seemingly pestered by something): Is it in there?
Elena: Yes, yes.
David (Quietly brooding): That bastard always parks right in front of the house with his Beamer; he doesn’t even have the humility to leave it a block away.
Elena (coming out to the front room in her apron, and putting her hand on David’s back): Honey, stop being so neurotic, I’m sure he’s not trying to show you up…
(The doorbell rings, David opens, greeting Julia and Roberto [the latter is carrying a bowl of salad] “Hi there, how are you…etc…”, before Elena does the same. The camera shows Roberto looking slightly downwards, a smile flickering across his face, then the camera shows Elena’s cleavage.)
David (motioning with his hand): Sit down, sit down, Elena has just finished the soup.
(Julia sits down, Roberto hesitates)
Roberto: Do you mind if I make the final touches to the salad in the kitchen?
David (Motions with his hand): Sure, go ahead.
(Both Roberto and Elena go into the kitchen.)
(In the kitchen, Elena and Roberto are whispering in Spanish, while Elena is pouring the soup from the MBs into two separate bowls.)
Roberto (anxiously): Is it ready?
Elena: Yes, my love, everything is ready, but you must remember which bowl belongs to each person.
(They both glance around quickly, then kiss passionately.)
(Meanwhile, back in the dining room)
Julia: So, David, how is your new novel coming along?
David (waving his hand dismissively): Good, good, it’s getting there…
Julia: You don’t sound too happy about it.
David: It’s just been moving a lot more slowly than my past few works. I’m frustrated by it, but I’m in a different situation now that I have to accept, a different state of mind…
(Under the table, Julia rubs David’s leg with her foot.)
Julia (smiling suggestively): Are you sure that’s true?
David (smiling as well): I’m...I'm sorry, please excuse me for a moment.
(David goes to the bathroom to relieve himself, then as he returns, he peers into the kitchen. David sees Elena and Roberto kissing, without them seeing him, and then walks back to the dining room, stroking Julia’s hair before sitting down.)
David: Now, where were we?
Elena (from the kitchen): the soup’s ready!
(Elena walks in, followed by Roberto, who is carrying the four soup bowls on a tray. Elena sits down, and Roberto distributes the bowls before doing the same. Everyone begins to eat the soup, each person looking across at the others, glancing between them. There is a painful lack of conversation, with the sounds of the spoons hitting the bowls violently breaking the silence.)
Julia (finishing her serve): Well, that was fantastic Elena! I’ll have to get the recipe from you.
Elena (surprised, sheepish): It’s just a simple pumpkin soup, the key is the Magic Bullet.
Julia: The Magic Bullet?
David: Don’t get her started on that blender thing, or we wont hear about anything else tonight.
(Another painful silence ensues, before Elena furrows her eyebrows, looking very troubled.)
Elena (smiling politely): Please excuse me.
(Elena stands up, but then falls over almost immediately, lifeless. Julia gets up in a rush, and goes over to Elena, before collapsing in almost the same fashion.)
David (going over to Julia): Oh no, no, no. What happened?
Roberto (going over to Elena, starts to cry): Elena, mi amor!
David (Looks up from Elena’s body to Roberto): What did you do?
Roberto: It can’t be! We meant it for you.!
(David looks over at another Magic Bullet, which is on top of a bench in the dining room.)
Music starts: Requiem by Mozart
(Bird’s eye view shot of the Magic Bullet [MB] with no lid on, the blade spinning in slow-mo. It is placed in the centre of a rectangular mat divided into four equal-sized squares of different colours, which is on top of a bench.)
Narrator: How beautiful and poetic it is, when four lives are mixed, combined, blended, into a formless entity that breathes as one, exhaling fervent emotion.
(Still in the bird’s eye view shot in slow-mo, David comes on screen, head in hands, then violently knocking the MB to the floor with his open palm. Camera shows MB flying through the air, and breaking apart when it hits the ground. The camera cuts to the ground-level, where the MB has fallen; camera is on one side of the MB facing through the clear plastic to the other side, showing Elena’s lifeless body.)
Narrator: And how devastating, yet how liberating it is when half of this entity is removed, extinguished.
(Shot from Elena’s side of the MB shows an almost identical picture of Julia, who is on the other side, lifeless as well.)
Narrator: And the two, or rather, the one that is left feels both pain and ecstasy to such great levels that it is pulled into the deep numbness in the middle.
(The camera shows various parts of the interior of the house, from different angles, which is filled with modern furniture and has subdued colours. All is still. Then, switch to a shot facing the front of Roberto, who is on his knees between the two bodies, the MB in front of him, crying. Then David, slowly but with malice, picks up a MB blade. A close-up shows his hand bleeding, as a result of holding it tightly. Noticing this, Roberto also picks up a blade, and stands facing David. The face off continues for a few seconds, and the final shot of the scene shows, side-on, the two facing each other, with David above the body of Julia, and Roberto above the body of Elena.)

(Then, the standoff continues, Roberto and David looking at each other intensely.)
David: Roberto, there is only one way that this can end.
Roberto: David, please…Be reasonable.
David: It’s just you and me, comprendes? Tú y yo…
(David lifts the blade to his throat).
Roberto (Reaching out to him with his free hand): David, no!
(David drops the blade, picks up the poison, and shakes some onto his tounge. Him and Roberto embrace, both willing. Then, they kiss passionately, with the Magic Bullet on the ground in between them, and the two women on either side. The camera pulls further and further away from them as they continue, eventually showing the four bodies from outside of the house, through the window. The camera pans up to the stars, then showing the Magic Bullet logo. Fade to black, and then the following message appears on the screen:
"Use only as directed".)
CREDITS…

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